Journals

Failed opportunity… i guess

08/01/2017

 

Ugh!!! I should have reply back! It was an opportunity already but because of my snobbish act ugh! I received a message regarding about the upcoming interview from my dream bank that I have applied before last March. I didn’t believe it. Actually, I laugh at it. It’s because it’s been months before I got to hear from them. I was weighing things if it is legit or not. First is, it supposed to be not a number because before I was set up for initial interview I received a message from the name of the bank as a contact not a cell phone number. Second, it’s been five months and I was told during the initial interview that I should receive a text after a month or after my graduation. Then ughhhhhh!!!!! They texted me already then I haven’t replied because I didn’t care about it. I should have replied and ask them before it’s too late!!! Because according to the message, I should confirm it up until 8pm and I just realized that the text is legit just this hour. Argh! I should really pay attention to details. Lesson learned.

 

But then I realized, if it’s for you it’s really for you. Maybe, it’s not really meant for me. I will still try to text her if I am still allowed to have another interview from them. And if they didn’t allow me, I guess I should just move on and try to find another job. Still, I’m somehow thankful because I realized I should really pay attention to details.
Unedited.

Overthinking…

 

I feel sad and somehow ashamed of myself. I don’t know why I am making it a big deal were in fact I shouldn’t. Ugh! Kasi he called me and he was with his group of friends, I don’t know why he called me and said ‘Aybi, halika’. Actually, I was just passing by kasi may binili ako and they were in another store. I told him ‘Sige lang’ then I just go home hehehe. The fact that I don’t see those guys clearly he was with and they are group of boys. I don’t like it. I never like it. It doesn’t make me feel good. I feel like they’ll do something bad. I’m sorry for judging but that’s what I really think for every male I’ll encounter except for those male species I get to close with. That’s why I was never comfortable sa mga male’s kasi of the bad experience that was happen to me. Ayun lang hehehe.

I realize I should not be like that, kaya siguro failed ako sa social department because of that. I should try to change the way I think na ‘not all the boys are like him’. So that’s all. Hehehhe. I was just really over thinking and I need to vent it out.

 

Worrying too much

I don’t know why I am writing this one instead of making reviewer for upcoming midterm in our Insurance subject. This was just a realization for me. I realized that when something happens to me, us. The only person who’ll worry is my family, relatives and my real friends. Once they’re worried, they’ll text or call asking if you’re okay or not. I may only have few of them, but I guess I’m still lucky because all of them were real. All their worries are genuine. Unlike others, who acts like they care but they just want to know the news of what did really happen during that time. As for my best friend, I guess I was a bit disappointed. Maybe somehow because she’s have a lot to think right now, that’s why. I was expecting her to call or text me but hahaha none of those happen. If it was me, I’ll gladly find a way to text or call her just to make she’s okay or not. Of course, we are all uniquely different from each other.

Never change?

 

Hi!

 

I realized I never changed. I never change how I react to every painful word he’ll throw at me. It’s not really that painful, I was just overreacting. If it’s over-acting, why my heart hurts? It’s painful because it came from my father. I realized I don’t want to stay here. I can’t live in a place, where my heart aches so much.

I don’t want to work near at our house. I want to be away where they can’t easily visit me. I will succeed without their help. I can do this. I may have lots of doubt within myself, my low-confidence but I know I can do it. Maybe, this was just a phase.

Thoughts about ‘it’

Hello!

I am writing this one because somehow I’m addicted (If I’ll be considered as an addict) in watching porn sex. As the day passes by, it doesn’t excite me anymore because every video I am watching is all focus on their genital specifically penetration. I’d rather watch foreplay if there is than watching full porn. Also, whenever I’m watching different sex videos all girls feel so aroused and it’s like they like doing it to them, you know what I mean? There’s no tenderness. Like, duh. Especially the anal one imagined yourself you want to remove your bowel and it was stuck on your butt because it is so hard and thick and you can’t release it without pushing it too hard, the butthole can’t easily accommodate it.

Well anyway, I stopped watching it anymore because I have watched a TED Talk show about a guy who stopped watching porn. Then I realized, he was damn right for everything he had said during the talk. We don’t know if those girls were abducted and made them a prostitute. We don’t know if those girls (not referring to all) are just pretending that they like it but the truth is instead of moaning they wanted to scream. Try to watch that talk in youtube and you’ll be amazed. There I was watching how full of men ruined those women (I tried to watch the Czech Category tho) then I stopped. I’ve watched any videos from the different category. Honestly, instead of being aroused, I feel like throwing up. I don’t know haha. I was thinking, why boys like to watch it lol. It’s like they’re watching their own dick penetrating women’s vagina. Well, I’m not a boy so I don’t really know the true reason behind it. Don’t they have their own imagination?

Imagined if all the man became a woman and the things that they’ve done will actually be doing to them too? Tsk. Then, somehow I watch videos about public agent category. I do understand it. Girls were like they don’t have any choice but to do it because they need money (or because I only watched few of them). Hayy. Maybe, I was just saying this because I really don’t understand porn.

 

Last thought, I tried to watch scandals so my conscience wouldn’t eat me (that every time I watched porn there’s a girl who were abducted and made them a prostitute.) Then, (let’s get serious) I can see that most of it are teenagers. Most of it is those horny teenagers who are enjoying having sex with each other. Then as I continued watching those scandals, I get to see that most of them are around 15 and above because of their young faces. What it bother me the most is that, it’s all about penetration. No ‘making love’, No ‘foreplay’ and because Yssa, it’s plain sex. I wonder if it’s because of how the media influences all of us.

 

I deeply apologized to those person I get to watched their scandal. Believe me, my purpose is not to have an arousal because honestly I wasn’t. Instead of being aroused, I felt bad for them. I was just really curious. I was trying to oppose the video that enlightened me about what really porn is all about. I guess, I think I’ve answered my question.  I also wonder why some of them need to video it. Do they need to see themselves, while doing it lol. Can’t they just imagine it and do it again for them just to memorize it and to prevent from future problems that they might encounter in the near future if they haven’t deleted it yet. Hayyy

.Maybe you’ll judge and ask me, if I’m still a virgin or I just need to get laid to fill my curiousity so I could feel and experience it but when I think of it, makes me want to throw up. If I’ll do it, I’ll do it with the one I really love and who feels the same for me.

Maybe I was just saying this

because

I don’t really understand porn

I don’t know how it truly works

I don’t know what’s rummaging in their head (man)

I am living in a conservative country

Where sex wasn’t really fully explain to us

I was really curious

 

I’m happy because I stopped watching it hehehe

 

Unedited. Will edit soon. No exact point, just sharing my thoughts and opinion about porn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Making it a big deal?

I’m sad. I really am. My heart is aching. My body feels numb. My mind shuts down. It all ends in me- being so sad. Hmmm. Why am I sad? I am making it a big deal huh. I don’t know why am I making it a big deal maybe because I’m hurt. I am deeply hurt. Dapat hindi, kasi ang babaw lang e. Pero kasi hahaha I am still the same girl who get easily hurt by simple gestures and offending words. They said if you’re too sensitive daw and get easily hurt by simple things is because you have a big heart. I don’t think it’s correct. It should be ‘weak heart’ instead of ‘big heart’. Why? because if you really have a big heart, you’re kind, lovable, jolly and always happy and those traits ay opposite sa kung ano talaga ako ngayon. I have that traits before pero hindi na ngayon. Self-identity crisis pa rin ba? Hehe. Pero sometimes, naisip ko na okay lang atleast I’ve experienced this kind of mental and emotional pain na hopefully ma-oovercome ko in the near future. Circumstances and pain change me a lot. Anyway, I realized I haven’t really grow up. Just like a while ago, I was talking to her and she just ignore me like she haven’t hear me and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. So, I did a silent and cold treatment just like what I always do whenever I’m hurt or offended. I knew it’s disrespectful but I’m hurt and still hurt. If I’m hurt, I really don’t want to have confrontation because I might breakdown and release all my heartaches, I don’t want that to happen. I disrespect Kuya Yo. L I’m sorry. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe kasi, it’s how I react in the situation kaya siguro na-sasad ako. Lord, sana po maging genuinely happy na ko 🙂

 

Love,

Isabel, your princess

Giving up?

Hi! It’s almost two months na, but I still don’t have work. I’m not that happy, but I’m fine. Although, it’s so boring here and I feel so unproductive. Hayyy. I don’t want to rush things. I don’t want to apply work just because of earning money. I want to feel the excitement of having a work, so that I can fully commit myself to the soon-to-be-company. I want to ready myself-emotionally. I want to think that I’m in the real world na. I should be professional in everything because it will reflect on my character as an employee. I should not be always sad and if I am I should not let my work affect it. I want to get matured na L I don’t know what’s with me, but I still act like a child. Well, that’s me. I’ll wait for the right time nalang. I’m always ready naman.

Real world is scary. If you can’t survive say good-bye, world.